It was the summer of 1998.  All had seemed to be going well, everything expect the secrets I had began to hide.

   I was 15 years old. My mother had remarried to someone I didn't really approve of, but see I was young, and no one really heard me out. So, she did what she wanted to do, and well, remarried, to someone I just didn't seem to care much for. But I had no reasons, just bad vibes I suppose.

    About two to fours years into their marriage is when things started to change for the worse. It started out with the little things, like just picking on me.... Then it gradually got worse. "You're so fat", "get off your lazy butt, and start doing something productive!", You cannot wash the dishes correctly, what’s the matter with you, you'll never be able to do anything" (We had a dish washer, let me tell you) "Your not going to make it anywhere in life", And it got worse and worse. I hide it, didn't tell anyone the things he was saying. I thought it was normal to be told those things, and I started to believe them.

   The next summer, things just kept on going and going. The stories and lies he told me, that I believed. And that’s when I started hiding it all by not eating. I said to myself that if I was never doing anything right, and I am not perfect, and I keep getting all this, then there has to be some that I can perfect, and her can't tell me I am doing wrong. I started slowly cutting and restricting what I ate, until I just didn't eat at all. All in one summer I lost close to 40lbs. And from then on I kept on going. I realized that I couldn't keep going by starving everyday, so I began to eat every other day. That worked I continued to lose more and more. I was happy, I had never been that happy before in my life. I was accomplishing something. But while all that was happening, I was still told that I was fat, and lazy, and my butt stuck out to no end. I cried, I thought that I was getting somewhere. At this point my perfect body was just turning into my disappearing hole. I figured, well, maybe I can get thin enough to the pint that I can just disappear and not deal with him. I could just disappear never to be seen again. Not die, I wouldn't get to that point, but to just be so thin that I would disappear, no one would see me, Kathi, I could walk, no I COULD FLOAT! I would be thin enough that I could disappear, and float on top of the world. The Karen Carpenter song, I'm On The Top Of the World. That would be me.

    Then I started to feel the effects, and hide them. I didn’t want to admit that what I was doing was bad for me. BECAUSE IT WASN'T! It had become my best friend. Then One day, a teacher approached me, in school. Her question was, "Kathi, are you eating?" I said, “Of course I am." I couldn't let someone know my BIG secret. So I started to lie. But see, this teacher was not going to give up, for some reason she believed that there was something wrong with me. She asked me everyday, until I just gave in, and spoke to her after class, and I told her what was happening. What I was doing. I let her in on my BIG Secret.

   That was the start of opening up to people to get help. It took me until I was 18 to go seek counseling for it all. Then a year late I was put into the hospital, 19 years old and anorexic, wow. I never wanted to believe it. But it's true. To this day, I still have voices running through my head. I am no longer in counseling, but I am still working on my problems. But this is no longer a secret. I have the people in my life that I need in order to get the help. My mother divorced my step-father. I am becoming healthy again. I am recovering. This is going to be with me for the rest of my life. It won't go away. I didn't wake up with the eating disorder one morning, so therefore, I am not going to wake up tomorrow morning and it will be gone. I have the help and support I need. I am not afraid to ask for help, or to let someone know I am struggling. I have the Support from my mother which I always wanted, and never thought I would get. I have her love and her hope. I have her strength, and her courage. She is my best friend and that is something I always long for with her. And now we have it. I am thankful to God for the life He has given me.

   Thank you for listening and hearing my story.